A lot of my clients ask me how to stay productive when things are going wrong. That one used to stump me, as well. Something would happen (a break up, my kid getting sick, a disagreement with a coworker, whatever) and I’d just not be able to function. If it felt like a deeper injury, I would lose a week, a month, even MONTHS of productivity. If you experience this, you know how deeply painful that is, yet you may feel stuck. I felt like I was stuck in cement, with no way to get free. Does that resonate with you, dearest? Here’s the brutal truth – IT IS A LIE. You’re not stuck. I no longer relapse into that state of mind, and my clients know that – so they want to know what juju did I get, and will I share some of it with them. Soo let’s deep dive into this situation right now, k?
The lack of productivity comes from a feeling of being “stuck” – getting trapped in overwhelm and anxiety. The vast majority of people go into this trap, and it is not pretty, although fairly universal. You have likely become addicted to overwhelm, or became a “hardaholic” – And there’s a reason. But first, let’s outline what the truth is:
Firstly – Life IS going to throw you curve balls, things WILL go wrong, and you will be TESTED. Its just a given.
Secondly – Things going wrong is normal for LIFE, and resistance is futile (Thank you, Borgs). Flowing with it will serve you much better than struggling against it. “Why does this happen to me all the time” is the best mantra of resistance to keep bad things happening – that’s also a given.
Thirdly – There are no curve balls, life is not going wrong, and….drum roll please… there’s also nothing “wrong” with YOU. Maybe your thinking needs to be re-skewed, but YOU are perfect already. Say What? Didn’t you use say that life is going to throw curve balls, things will go wrong but now you’re saying that’s not true? Huh?
Fourthly – you’ve become neurochemically addicted to this sensation of overwhelm and anxiety. It may be your drug of choice, except you’re unconscious that its even there, so you can’t put down the drug to overcome the addiction. We cannot let go of what we cannot see we are actually holding on to. And, in the meantime, you’re getting a buzz from that neurochemical, it serves you some how some way. If you’re reading this, you must be part of the 5% who wants to kick this addiction and sober up. You absolutely deserve to do this.
#TruthTime. What you resist persists, and what you flow with you go with. If things keep “happening to you” and that is interrupting your productivity at work or building your business, it is only because you are attracting that into your life. We attract that which we think about and feel about the most; so if that is pain for you, you’ll continue to attract exactly that – pain. WHY, you ask, would anyone want pain? Answer – because it is familiar to you.
We attract into our lives the people, places, and events that keep us addicted to the neurochemical responses we have unconsciously become used to, usually from childhood. Find out the cause that creates the effect, and you’ll be on the path to sobriety from this addicted behavior. In other words, you’re up at the plate and life (the pitcher) threw you a curve ball because you expected curve balls, and life doesn’t want you to think you’re crazy – so Life gives you more of what you unconsciously believed to be an inevitability.
Let me give you a very personal example. I’ve been through a number of break ups in my life. I’m the youngest of 5 kids in my family, and I’m the only one who got divorced. Oh, to clarify – TWICE. I also “almost” got married 2 other times and didn’t make it to the alter. Yeah if I did something rebellious, I did it BIG. (My friends used to joke with me that I was “always the bride, never the bridesmaid.” Yeah. Funny. Not.). The story I made up about myself was that I was some sort of “loser in love” that “something must be wrong with me” that “I can’t pick a good guy” and that “I’ll just end up alone because no one can put up with me long enough.” This was the negative self talk that ran through my head. I kept attracting in situations to keep my self esteem low, but my self confidence high. Did I do this consciously? No, of course not – I’m not a masochist.
Now to get even more creepy on you here – There was a whole other thread of negative self talk underneath that. That self talk sounded something like “I’m afraid to be alone.” “I can’t do this by myself.” “I’m not good enough, not worthy enough, not lovable enough”. In short “I’m not enough.” Honestly, I’d never speak that way to anyone, not even my worst enemy, but there I was- horrifically speaking this to myself daily. When I finally realized this dark thread in my self talk, I decided to face her head on.
Some psychologists would call this the “Victimizer” that most of us have in our head. Some coaches would say this is the “Ego” at play “edging God out” (because wow, I don’t believe God would ever say that about me, but there I was saying it about myself). We all have this, and it is in direct correlation to the events that shaped our feelings and thoughts early in life; if you had perpetrators and violators in your life growing up, you’ll attract perpetrators and violators unconsciously throughout your life until you face them. And, if you can’t find them, you’ll sabotage yourself by becoming your own perpetrator and violator. Truth Be. Told. I know, because this is what happened to me. And, the sad truth is, this has happened to most of the clients I have worked with.
What shaped my negative self talk and made me addicted? Early violations such as not being wanted, having a depressed, addicted father, losing my mom to cancer when I was only 10 years old, abandonment, and 3 separate instances of sexual assault before I was 19. My negative self talk was a direct response (unconsciously of course) to the neurochemicals that surged through my body and brain over and over and over again, as I was traumatized. If this is what I knew neurocemically, than that was what I would attract – we attract our childhood bonding, that’s the simple truth. Otherwise, our ego would think we are crazy, or we would feel crazy for doing something that is opposite the bonding experiences we had. Bonding doesn’t know right or wrong – it only knows familiar.
My clients always ask me – how did you overcome this? Well, it took time. And, it took no time at all. No, that’s actually not a contradiction. That’s the strange oxymoron that is the truest truth and only makes sense to those who find themselves on the sunlit side of the wall, in the light.
“Yea, yea Paula but tell us HOW!” I made a decision to get sober. And I did. I overcame many relapses, but I overcame them. I stopped expecting perfection, finding that I was imperfect, and relapsing to fulfill my low self esteem and disappointment. Instead, I gave myself radical self love. I re-told my story of myself to myself. I changed my “I Am” statements – anytime I caught myself saying “I am such a loser/too fat/fuck up, ________(fill in the blank)” I wrote it down in a notebook that I carried with me. Any and every time I felt overwhelmed or anxious, I wrote it down. I caught myself so that I could become conscious. I committed to meditation every day, til I got good at it. I started moving those chemicals through my body with yoga. I BREATHED – yeah, you knew I’d go there. (This Breathing technique will be in my next blog post, I promise you).
Again – you cannot let go of that which you don’t know you’re holding. Bring it into the light, become conscious, do it daily, write it down so you can see it and get it out of your head.
LET CONSCIOUSNESS BE YOUR NEW HABIT. Re-write your story.
Commit to yourself, commit to “you knowing YOU.” You’re the only you you’ve got. And, practice radical self love. You deserve that. See how your world changes on the other side of the wall. You made the wall, you can change it. Call it “Blueberries” – Entirely up to you. Peace out.
