Summer 2017, I found myself at a business conference in Las Vegas. I was rooming with a new girlfriend of mine, someone super fun, lovely, kind, and smart. In some ways, we were both just short little Italian grown up mommas with tons in common, and in other ways we were different enough to incite genuine yummy curiosity and tangible awe-inspired respect for one another. So, when she took one look at me getting ready for a group dinner at a nice restaurant and said “Girl, NO, just NOOOOOO, “ I figured I ought to pay attention.
This girl is always sparkly – personality and outward appearance. She had the money to dress well, and a sense of design and aesthetics I had only dreamed of inhabiting. Me? I’m kind of all over the place with how I dress – I’m part free-flowing hippie, part businesswoman, part sexy formfitting cleavage-showing tops and tight jeans, part yoga pants and sports top, part garden hat and gloves, and part “mom” pants. What I lacked, according to my dear girlfriend was “Sparkle” and she let me know it. I didn’t feel particularly sparkly at that time of my life, either, but I sensed it was maybe possible just a little perhaps…..
Sparkle? That was confusing to me. Yes, I do own a tiara like any other respectable princess would, but I don’t wear that in every day life (although, I’m sincerely thinking of doing so, just because it is fun and unexpected, two things I’m putting more and more in my life in 2019). But, I was a bit perplexed by sparkle. I used to feel real sparkly, but then I felt fairly dull, and there I was in the “dull” part of the bell curve in that moment in the hotel room with my Sparkle Queen. And, when you don’t feel sparkly, you tend not to wear sparkly things. Hmmmm…..this got me wondering, “Where and When did I lose my sparkle?”
I’m a Capriquarius (Cusp of Mystery and Imagination) with just enough Capricorn to want stability and just enough Aquarius to want freedom. Talk about a mind f*ck. My life has been full of those contradictions, which used to drive me nuts until I finally learned to embrace it all and just flow. SO, I really don’t “need” much to be happy except Capricornian stability, enough money to have stability, a plan, and stuff/people I can count on. And, by that my Aquarian side means, “Stability and enough money to have stability, so I can be FREE to plan whatever I want to plan, wherever I want to plan it, and can count on lots of adventures with juicy people.” I’m really pretty simple, but complex. (You think that’s confusing? Try living inside of my body).
My resultant style? Well, I happen to really dig my curves and enjoy showing them off, I enjoy feeling sexy and sensuous, something that didn’t develop until my twenties and I didn’t fully embrace til my forties. So, ok, there’s THAT. But, what about Sparkle? Back to the Las Vegas hotel:
“NOOOO, girl, just NOOOOOOO…..” from my Sparkle Queen, as she started opening up her jewelry pouch and makeup bag. “Why are you hiding your beautiful self?”.
“Hiding? I’m not hiding,” I replied. “Yeah, you are….the outfit is nice, kind of, but its like YOU don’t want to be seen.” Well, wow – that was like a punch to the sacral center, but in a good way. In an instant, I saw myself from the outside and guess what, it wasn’t “My Look” I was wearing; it was a tired look from years of trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be. HOW could I show up in my own life, in my own work, and attract the people I wanted to attract if the real “me” wasn’t showing up? The universally existential question glared at me: “WHO AM I?”
A few quick stories: I was the youngest of five siblings, 14 years after the next youngest. Oooops. The oldest is 21 years older than I am. I was, to put it bluntly, not wanted by my dad and probably from some of my 4 siblings at the time. My mom wanted me, she was my constant protector, advocate, supporter, and number one fan. But, she had 2 grandkids to take care of along with me, became ill, and died when I was just about to turn 11. My early childhood was filled with a sense of not belonging, being “too much” and just trying to not be seen. It was just easier to not be seen. I was shy, no one could hear me. I had long, plain braids and wore plain clothes my mom made me. Sparkle? Yeah, right – I wanted to dull myself and blend into the walls.
Now I could tell you a million stories of allllll the things that happened in my childhood and adolescence to just reinforce that I should not be seen, but I’ll fast forward to one most poignant. Fast forward to me at age 36. I met an Adonis, a very well educated lawyer who was just simply breathtakingly gorgeous and happened to be highly successful and charismatic to boot. The unhealed part of me, the part of me that was lacking self esteem never quite “got” why this successful handsome man would want little ole “me” and that feeling permeated the relationship on my end. I lived that relationship riddled with insecurity, and self loathing for being so insecure. He actually loved me, thought I was extremely wise, and quoted me to all his friends. Did I take that in and receive? Of course not, because I didn’t see it in myself. I wasn’t seeing myself the way anyone else saw me, if what they saw was anything really good. Oh, but was I ALL OVER IT if they saw something “bad” – THAT I could (and did) believe. When we first met, I made more money than he did and he was broken down from a divorce. However, he built himself up (I had front row seats), and as he did, he was quite willing to brutally let me know that I wasn’t skinny enough, blond enough (I’m a brunette, duh….), and I didn’t dress the part of a potential future wife of an attorney. But, I’m stubborn, so I wasn’t changing fast enough. He would bribe me with things like a shopping spree if I dropped 20 pounds, or a brand new piece of jewelry if I cut my hair to look more conservative. Towards the end, after our engagement, he even made a comment that if I were in a bar next to his ex wife (whom he couldn’t stand the sight of), all the men would ignore me and ask her out. Yeah. AND I STAYED. WHAAATTT???? What was happening here? Let me break it down:
When we start out life with perpetrators and violators, we become bonded to being victimized – even though it is damaging, its our “normal” and we develop high tolerance to it because we rely on these people for our survival. To put it another way, every single time I felt like I did not belong in my family, every time someone said something or I even perceived they didn’t want me, I gushed neurochemicals into my brain and body which caused me to create a mind body addiction to these events. My vibration was that of someone who should not be seen, because after all, she wasn’t even supposed to be born. Just like if we turn our radio to 85.5 we won’t hear 101.2, a person vibrating in the “I should not be seen” energy will only be able to attract situations, people, and events to fulfill that belief, to fulfill the neurochemical addiction by creating the same energy vibration. Its magnetic, actually.
I hosted a series of men like this, and some women for that matter, and certainly career and job situations all to fulfill that mind body connection, so that I wouldn’t feel crazy. I was sexually abused and assaulted, with the consequential repressed and suppressed memories to go along with that, only to emerge at age 49, when I was finally ready to get Sober from that addiction. That’s what the ego does – it keeps you in normal, even if that normal is harmful. So, my normal was “Its not safe to be seen” and my internal radio was tuned wayyyyy down in frequency in an unconscious attempt to NOT be seen. I put on weight, I developed illnesses to take me out of my own game, I got married, and married again, and….almost married again to men who were not right for me, but somehow matched my frequency at the time. If it were not for the high self confidence, and my Capricorn drive and my Aquarian dreams, I would have been a wallflower. I can guarantee you, in fact, that most people had no idea I felt so low about myself, because I projected a strong, capable, person.
Or so I thought, because well….I had no sparkle, and Sparkle Queen had no idea at the time, but she gave me an essential ingredient for finding myself – she gave me permission. Add to that the next ingredient – belief in me. And, throw in some spicy “I’m telling you the blunt truth, girl” and all the sudden we started to see Paula emerge.
Sparkle queen re-styled my outfit, lent me lots of sparkly jewelry, and re-applied my makeup (way more than I had ever used), and all I did was Trust Her. WOW, well, that was a big breakthrough, too, but trust is what I was working on internally that year. Here, in the sparkle palace with Sparkle Queen, I got to test my progress. Although a little self-conscious at first, I did some mirror work by looking in the mirror and repeating “You are beautiful, I love you, I adore you, You are stunning!” I did this until I believed it, til I felt it. I would have cried, but I didn’t want to ruin my eye makeup.
I was ready to receive. I was ready to not only find my sparkle but freaking SHOW IT THE FREAK OFF! Not just any sparkle, but my own quintessential brand of sparkles. (mine are purple and silver with hues of cobalt blue and mermaid colors, by the way……)
You can find your sparkle. Here’s how:
- Embrace Rigorous honesty – what is holding you back?
- Make a Decision- decide to embrace your sparkle.
- Meditate – ask your angels, your guides, the divine consciousness to show yourself to you
- Practice Mirror Work – Look up Louise Hay, follow her practices
- Raise Your Vibration – watch what you eat and drink – food and drink have vibrations, so watch what vibrations you are allowing into your body
- Exercise – get that body moving, it can be meditative and will move all of those addicted neurochemicals out of you
- Take an Epsom Salt Bath – magnesium sulfate (Epsom salt) is a powerful detoxifier, and will also relax your muscles. I even meditate in the bathtub for optimal messages (I am a mermaid, after all….obviously salt water helps)
- Embrace Something New – go buy a piece of sparkly jewelry, even if it is from the local thrift store. Just find a piece, hold it in your hands, and see which one resonates with you.
- Crystal Yourself – go to a local shop that cells crystals and have them guide you to finding the stones that will energize you
- Trust Your Intuition – you’ll know what’s right.
- Select Your Friends Carefully – be picky choosy about who you allow in your energetic space by choosing high vibe people.
